Thursday, October 24, 2002

 
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
posted by Lauren C 1:07 AM

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

 
1. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

2. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

3. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

4. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

6. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

7. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

8. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

9. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

10. I intend to live forever-so far, so good.

11. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

12. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

13. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

14. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

20. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

21. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

22. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

23. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

24. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.

25. The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.

26. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

27. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

28. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

29. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

30. A fool and his money are soon partying.

31. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

32. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

33. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

34. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

35. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

36. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

37. Half the people you know are below average.

38. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

39. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

posted by Lauren C 1:57 PM

 
So yeah, then I ate a double stuffed oreo.
posted by Lauren C 10:35 AM